meg's Journal

1:15am: Dear Diary
Update. Marty and I are doing awesome. Bought me a new diamond ring. Its beautiful. Although were great I'm lonely. Annes gone and it sucks. Sometimes I have a hard time coping. She was my last remaining best friend. Ill get by I guess... We finally get cable tomorrow. Woot! The apartment is boring. Someone broke in again. Stole our new computer and xbox. Old one but still. Sucks they took the computer. I started writing a story. I decided to go alittle supernatural lol. It sells.. Coco is getting shot sat. My poor baby. I'm tired..
Me

10:19pm: Parents House
Marty has been in 29 palms for almost 3 weeks. So lonely. I feel much better since I've been at my parents house. Less depressed.. I guess this is what I needed. Annes going to the Philippines.. It sucks. She leaves the 1st. I'll miss her. And hopefully I'll be able to visit her or something. We had a going away party for Anne last night. It was fun. Omg.. everyone got so faded.. Someone ran into a hydrant. It was like a geiser{sp? lol}. No one left till way late. I went to sleep alittle after 5.. Man.. we always have the best parties.. I wish Marty was here to enjoy it though. it's been months since he's been to a good party. Yeah we have fun at home but when we head back to San Bernardino from Moreno Valley we always end up bored.. God.. I can't wait till he comes back home. We're gonna go to Disneyland. And he's going to buy me stuff.. Which is cool.. And we can get real internet and cable.. Which is even cooler.. Blah. I'm bored right now.. -Me

12:51am: You Make Me Crazier
I used to be just alil crazy but he's made me crazier. Its not always a bad thing. But idk. I got back into some pretty bad habits. Like cutting. Or overdosing. God that was a bad day. I tried to reach out to anyone to make me feel like I had a reason to live. And they all failed. So 20 pills got knocked back. Fortunately marty came home in time. I was just about to fall asleep for good. I'm getting so personal in this entry cause I have no other way to let out feelings that I feel are too much for my friends and family to handle or even understand. Marty can hardly wrap his head around. I'm alone. No matter what I do. I try to reconnect with everyone to change that feeling but everyone is too caught up in their new lives to even care. So I don't know what to do. Communication with everyone I know is so warped that they don't listen to my hints. Hints that I need their hands to hold to get through this. I don't want to go through this alone. I faced everything on my own. And frankly I just don't have the strength anymore...

12:43am: um
Ouch. Sorry.

5:25am: One....two...three...
No.. I don't. I'm devoted to my husband.. I don't want to leave him. It just gets hard. Yeah it's a teamwork thing. But.. it gets hard.. Especially if we don't see eye to eye on things. But.. it's not a surprise...
-Me

1:33pm: hm
I guess. Though I'm not really an ex. Um we try to work things out. There's no problem between us right now but that's because were over fighting. I don't know... I've been depressed and it has made things difficult. Cause I'm bitchy and I don't want to be alone. And he doesn't know how to help me. And sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to. - meg

12:07am: mike?
How would it complicate things? You're over me..aren't you? Yeah I'm still married... P.s I'm glad you still keep up with my lj..
- meg

12:15am: um...
I msged mike. Big mistake. He was mean and I don't know why it surprised me. Or hurt me. After everything I don't know what I was expecting. Him welcoming me back to his life? Being friends? Still care about me? Who was I fooling? I chose someone else. I was confusing and sometimes hurtful and I didn't even care. And it sucks that I don't even get the chance to do that. I miss him. He was my best friend. I was happy when I talked to him. And I haven't been that happy since then. And it sucks. I don't know. Everything is just so messed up right now and he's the one person I wish I could turn to...- Me

1:57pm: Wrapped Around Eachothers Finger
I'm not getting a divorce.. Thank god.. Chris and Amanda are leaving.. Can I get an Amen? AMEN!!! I guess letting things run it's course makes good things happen. Marty and I are starting to get back to the blissful newlywed state. And it's amazing. We're starting to remember what our love is. And how to work together. I have faith in our marriage. And sometimes things distract the both of us. They make us forget that we are meant to be. As much as that sucks, that's part of marriage. It's not supposed to be easy. And we started to realize that. So.. apparently Marty could still leave.. Not the first of the barrel to go.. But he just might after.. So that sucks.. Marty has next week off work. Yay!!! Trips to Camp Pendleton for errands. And hopefully he can help move tweedle dee and tweedle dum out. So Marty has been trying to make things up to me.. Issue with the roommates. The fact that I don't eat much anymore cause I want to conserve food. He hates how I do that. So we bought groceries. The last fight we had he almost hit me. I was so scared that when he came to check up on me I was sitting on the bathroom floor shaking and crying. He's trying to make that up to me for damn sure. He still owes me a flat iron.. Anyhoo.. I miss him already... -Me

12:10am: Two Steps Back
I just might be getting a divorce. And it hurts. I understand where he's coming from. But I see a multitude of options. He just wants to think a certain way. He still wants to be together. But he doesn't think he can support us and give me what I need. I understand that. But if we could've just worked harder, we could've got through it. If we just worked together. I think he needs time to think. I mean really reflect. I know he doesn't really want to get a divorce. He just feels like it's the right thing to do since we're so young. Which is what I wanted to do when we first got married. But so much has changed. Bridges burned. And I don't know if I'm allowed to go back to my old life. If him and I get a divorce, I might have no where to go. I don't know if my mom will let me come back. She and I never mended our relationship. This isn't easy. Cause I really wanted our marriage to work. I really thought it could. Everyone thought it could. But.. we didn't know how to handle the married life. I think it's my fault. I said I wanted to get a divorce enough times for him to actually believe it. Although I didn't mean a word of it. Maybe I should've acted more mature about things rather than saying the d word to make things go my way. It all just backfired on me. I don't know what to think.. I'm confused. Emotions are high. And crazy. And Marty isn't thinking straight. With so many distractions. He forgot what marriage meant to him. I know he doesn't want to give up.. Deep down.. There's just so much going on for him and he just doesn't know what to do. I want to give him space. Cause there's just no point in getting a divorce just to get remarried at the end of the year. It's making things more complicated and expensive than they need to be. I just hope he does the right thing. As much as Chris and Amanda had alot to do with Marty and mines marriage demise. I'm not really thinking about them. All I care about is my husband and hopefully rebuilding ourselves from this. I don't know where I'm going from here but I know that I still have his hand to hold.. That's what love is.. -Me

1:14pm: There's Always Something In The Way
I don't think so. But I can't help but feel like my heart fell into my stomach. I didn't expect things to be like this. I thought things would be good for us. That marriage would bring us closer. And it did. It really did. I fell deeper in love with him. And that's why this is so hard. I just have so much frustration inside of me. And he wouldn't understand. He wouldn't listen. He didn't care. As much as he said that he'd never let things get in the way, he did. He let friends get in the way of our marriage. I couldn't just stand there and let Chris and Amanda take advantage of Marty any longer. He's too naive to see how people really are and how sometimes people just don't change. And refuse to change. I wish I could just show him. But he thinks I don't know anything. I know more about people than he does. He seemed so cold. Like he didn't even care. After everything we've been through, how could you be so cruel. I mean. It's different when we were just dating but we're married now. Walking away shouldn't be that easy. And after all the times I've tried, it's not. At least to someone who actually cares. I put my everything in him. My trust, money, heart, life. I gave up so many things to be with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to give up. Giving up doesn't fix anything. Especially when you do want something to work. I just don't know how to anymore. Nothing works. Talking. Fighting. Ultimatums. They just make things worse. I thought I meant everything to him. I believed him when he vowed to be there for me. Through sickness and in health. Richer or poorer. I kept up with my vows. I didn't lie. But it feels like he didn't mean what he said in his vows. And it hurts. I've supported him in almost everything. And I just couldn't get back what I gave him. How can I make him see. Chris and Amanda are dragging him down. He has less money than he should cause he spends most of it supporting them. Giving Chris gas money, cigarette money, booze money. I'm his damn WIFE and I don't even ask for money. There's not much that I really want. I justed wanted to be with him. From time to time I had him buy me my favorite candy but that was it. I didn't want clothes. Shoes. Purses. Jewelry. Things that could've set him back a ton of money. But I didn't marry him for those things. I gave up getting those things. Cause he meant more to me. I do everything he wants. And he didn't have the decency to do the same for me. His own wife. He promised to take care of me. But I just ended up hungry and alone. I ended up unhappy. Is that what you call taking care of your wife these days? Telling her that she doesn't mean anything. That her wedding ring doesn't mean anything. That her wishes and opinions don't matter. Ghee thanks alot. I thought that we'd be happy. And he promised me so much. So I believed him. I believed him that when things got hard we'd work together to make things better. And we did for awhile. We depended on eachother. Eachothers support. And he stopped being that for me. I don't understand what made that happen. I made things easy at home. That way he wouldn't have to worry about things getting down. Laundry washed, folded, and put away. His things organized so that there wouldn't be a problem looking for it. I cooked for him. Gave him massages. I've washed his god damn hair. I talked to him. I was there for him. And he couldn't even treat me like an equal. He couldn't even choose me. And that's what hurts the most. I'm his wife. And I still couldn't be his top priority. -Me

11:26pm: So Much For My Happy Ending..
Married life was not what I expected. It took over a year to build up and just 5 minutes to tear apart. We got in a fight and I basically left him. He's an asshole. I don't know what else to say. I'm tired of talking about the problems that we had. And I just don't feel like thinking about it right now. It just got so frustrating. And I wasn't happy anymore. He knew it. And yet he did nothing about it. He just made it worse by underminding me. And I hate that. I really don't want it to be over. Cause I love him. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do to make him take it seriously. That I mean business when I say something. He didn't take me seriously the last few times and hopefully he gets it now. I don't expect him to say sorry right now. Cause I know he's mad. I'm mad as well. I just want him to think about it. I mean really think. Is this really worth losing me over? How much do I really mean to him? What does this marriage mean to him? This marriage feels like a joke. And I'm tired of feeling like the punchline. I hope Dmac talks some sense in him. Cause.. I really love him. And this is a stupid thing to get divorced over cause I know that we can fix it. But I just wish he understood that in order to be a good husband he must respect me and my wishes. But he just wasn't man enough to do so. Guess I married the boy and not the man I know he could be.. Silly me to think that marriage would be different. -Me

3:27pm: It's Crazy How Time Passes You By
Everything is so different now. I've lost some friends. Some of which were really great. And I'll miss them but there's nothing I can do to get that back. Everything happened so fast. And now I regret going along with things. But there's nothing I can do now. No way to go back. Everything is just so messed up right now. Things between my family and I are more complicated than ever. And even though Marty and I have gotten the chance to spend every moment together and get to know eachother better I still miss my old life. I miss my alone time. Which I never get anymore since I moved out. Marty and I just moved into a new apartment in Moreno Valley. It's cool. Cute little apartment. New. Middle of nowhere. Catch is, we have a room mate. Who has a loud lazy girlfriend who refuses to leave. Sad as it may be, I was almost glad that they almost broke up the other night and she wanted to go home. It was really unfortunate that they made up :/.. I have no one to talk to nowadays about my feelings. Yeah, I talk to Marty. But I wish I had someone to rant to ABOUT Marty. About life. About things that Marty just doesn't understand. Cause even though I wish I could tell him everything, I can't. He'd never understand. And I'm tired of him telling me that everything will be okay. But I just can't find it in myself to have the faith. To believe that everything will pan out just right. Cause I know, deep down, that it won't. Marty might leave next Febuary. And there's nothing I can do to make that right. My family and I are completely broken. And I'm done trying to fix all the cracks in the relationships I have with my family members. Even if I wanted to leave Marty. To come back to this life.. I can't. Cause it'll never be okay. The course has been changed and there will never be a feeling of normalcy in this place that they call "home". I know some of it is my fault. But I'm tired of being the one who takes all the blame. Especially since it was never just me who played a role in the fall out. I just don't know what to do anymore. And I can't give up, even though there just isn't enough fight in me anymore... -Me

2:07pm: For the first time
I'm sure I want to marry him.. I don't know why though.. I guess I've thought about it enough. And even through all the negative views I get and my doubts, I still see myself wanting to marry him.. Crazy...
-Me

3:44pm: Steal My Sunshine
It's crazy how fast things change. How caring about only myself turned into caring about him. Us. How easily boyfriend and girlfriend turns into husband and wife.. I'm still having a hard time grasping all of this. Almost a month after the first day of engagement and I'm still in shock. I'm 18 and I'm getting married! It's crazy. I remember this month of last year I was still in love with another guy. All I've been doing since the engagement is think. Reminisc.. Think about past relationships. What ifs. Things that have happened in the past. I think about my friendship with Dominic and what all has led up to how we are today. How we're still good friends.. I think about Brady. And how I thought I was SO in love with him. I think about Cole even. It's crazy knowing that Marty is the only guy I'm going to be with the rest of my life. No more dating. No more crazy nights and random guys. It's crazy nights and Marty now.. And I don't have a problem with that. It's just sometimes I think that I'm so young and there's so much I haven't done yet. But that doesn't mean I don't want to get married. I'm happy with what I have. I guess I just have cold feet. I'm scared out of my mind. And all I need right now is support. And it seems like the only person I'm getting support from is Marty.. I can't talk to my family about what's going on. They don't understand.. Anne doesn't.. My mom doesn't.. She wasn't young when she got married so.. I wish I still had the people that I could easily talk to. Depend on. Lean on.. I don't have that anymore. And I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Cause I feel more alone than ever. I know I have Marty. And I do tell him everything. But.. sometimes i just want a friend..
-Me

4:06pm: Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy
Little rascals is a bomb movie.. Anyhoo.. I'm amazed at how much is changing in 09. In 09 I am getting a job. Getting married. Starting a new life. Moving out. Moving to another city. Be independent. Make my own money.
It's just starting to dawn on me that this is actually happening. I think I'm going to give into what Marty wants to do... Sign the papers, save the money, and have a beautiful wedding fully paid for by ourselves.. My parents won't be able to say anything which is cool. I'm scared.. And alittle unsure that I'm ready for this. I mean c'mon. Marriage is a huge commitment. Marriage was something I'd have to think twice on. Wasn't sure I wanted to do it in general. Freaked me out. And here I am.. doing what I thought I was never going to do.. Getting married.. It's so official.. And I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready for it.. But.. I don't think I'll ever be ready for it at any age. Cause marriage is super fucking scary.. But.. I want to be with him. I can't picture my life without him. And marriage seems appealing with him.. I want to marry him.. I just don't know how I'm going to handle everything that comes our way.. Especially how I'm going to react next Febuary.. I don't know...
-Me

6:31pm: So Condescending
I practiced driving today. Finally! Freaked me out alittle bit. But it was fun. I don't understand why people hate driving. It's so fun. So Marty is coming over today. He came last night but got called back into work. So lame.. But anyhoo we're planning it tonight.. I think him and I should sign the papers.. Be married.. And then when we have enough money have the wedding we always wanted.. Like.. next year.. But that doesn't mean that we can't plan now. Reservations and permits for events take awhile. So.. yeah.. I need to talk to him about this.. And.. I have a few questions for him..
I tasted pecan pie for the first time today. And I gotta say, I was alittle bit disappointed. I mean, it was good. But not amazing. I don't know.. I'm more of a pumpkin pie girl.. I hate that asap commercial. Musical commercials are just.. gay.. It's an irritating commercial.

Bleh.. I have too much stuff on my mind....
-Me

4:41pm: Seriously?
Bullshit! I never started blowing you off. You're the one who started ignoring me. Not calling back when you said you would. Whatever it's over with. And no I don't write to get a rise out of you. I write what I want and I didn't think you'd still be lurking my shit. If you're done and you left, then why the hell do you still talk to me. Why do you even bother typing up a response if you're gone?
And no he's not abusive. You don't even know what happened. So shut up. You have no room to talk. And as for Cassie, she doesn't listen to me. I'm tired of trying.. She's not my child.. She's not my problem.. So butt out.. Leave.. Cause you have no business with me anymore.. Don't write anything in response to this. Just don't.. Don't lurk my shit either.. There's no point. Stop wasting your time. Cause it makes things difficult for me.. And I just don't want to hear it anymore.
-Me

12:42am: Between The Lines
I don't understand.. How does not being friends with me make everything fall in place? And no you didn't leave, I kicked you out.. Because you forgot how to be a real friend.. Or maybe you weren't a real friend from the beginning. Guess I'll never know.. Whatever..
So.. I got started on wedding planning. Not just talking about it but real hard core research. I looked up 50's style tea length wedding dresses, beach permit for La Jolla and beaches like that, wholesale flowers, and apartment prices. I'm thinking a decent small wedding would be around 2-3 k. I had to make an estimation of living expenses. And I found some amazing apartments in Oceanside.. Most around the 900's but they were gorgeous. And what do you expect, they're right by the beach. Now I need to find some cool cheap furniture..
Vegas was cool.. Walked around the strip with a beer in hand and didn't get carded. Woot! lol. Marty is too naive for Vegas.. Seriously.. It just sucked him in. 900 loss... All the way up to 9 o clock.. Seriously? That sort of pissed me off. But I eventually got over it.. But here's something that I didn't quite get over. And it's all I can really think about.. I know he didn't mean to do it. I know he was tired, still sorta drunk, and grumpy.. And I know he wouldn't intentionally do it.. But.. he sort of hit me.. And it sort of freaked me out. I know he didn't mean to do it, but it scared the hell out of me.. And it pissed off his friend who went with us.. I'm sort of over it now. But yesterday made me reevaluate some things.. I ended up scared of him.. And it's a horrible feeling.. I know he's not a violent person.. I know.. But I'm still scared.. I hope it doesn't last long though.. Cause I want to feel safe with him.. not scared..
Sometimes I just want to get married. Get it all over with. Cause it'll be so easy.. But then I think about the aftermath.. Thinking about finances is what holds me back. And the fact that I can't drive.. And how I can't move in with him right after we get married cause I don't know how to drive. I can't believe he wants to get married this summer.. Like June.. Is he crazy? I must be crazy too.. I was.. considering it.. Now... I don't know.. I need to think about some stuff.. Blah.. I wish I had someone to talk to.. Dominic is starting to suck as a close friend.. And I can't tell Marty that I'm scared of him.. I don't know.. I really don't know...
-Me

5:18pm: Ready To Be My Everything
We got engaged Febuary 27th. It's crazy. Life has been insane with getting ready for my externship, school, family, and wedding planning. I would've never thought I'd be in this position a year ago. But here I am. About to dive into a whole other life. I'm planning my freaking wedding for crying out loud. Which will probably take place sometime this year. Which makes it even more crazy.
Although I'm so happy with everything going on in my life I still feel alittle alone. I'm just going to be blunt.. I miss Mike. In a friend way of course. I miss joking around with him. He always made me laugh. And even though I was a total bitch to him sometimes he was my best friend. He knew everything about me. Thing is, although I thought I knew everything about him, I didn't. Sometimes I wonder which was the real Mike. The guy I knew before Marty and I got back together or after. Because before, he was trying to impress me. After, he didnt' have to anymore. So I don't know. I wish I did though. Then maybe I'd feel better about not being friends with him anymore. I tried calling him a few times.. But he was always so bitter towards me so there was just no point anymore. I wish we could've stayed friends.. Because I really thought I needed him. Oh well I guess.. I'll make do with what I have. Marty has become my best friend. Since we got back together it just has been total amazingness. It's so easy to talk to him now. And so we tell eachother basically everything. He's a total cling now. Which I super duper love. He became that guy who picked me flowers from his parents yard again lol :).
Going to Vegas for the weekend with Marty, my mom, Trejo, and another friend. It should be interesting.


-Me

9:15pm: We Kiss We Make Up
Ye..ah.. Went to kick back/party thing last night.. Ignored him.. I refrained from looking at him.. He basically.. stared.. It was cute lol.. So uh.. we made up.. He apologized.. And that's all I needed to hear basically.. But yeah... interesting night.. lol
-Me

4:49pm: A Rose Covered In Thorns
Nothing new, I guess. Whatever.. Who was I fooling anyway? Thank god I didn't stop talking to a few select people.. Would've been a complete waste.
You're not special.. Just a notch on my bed post really. Someone I told I loved just to keep around.. even though I never really meant it. Aw you thought you were the only one? That's real cute. But really.. you were NEVER EVER really the only one.. I mean.. you only know half of the guys that I was talking to.. and that only was while you were in Virginia. Imagine the guys that was there all along.. Right under your nose.. But eh.. guess you'll never know.. You're a loser anyways.. You didn't graduate college. You're not going to school. You're just a guy.. Who faught in a war.. You think that makes you special? That that makes you a someone? Get real here. You're just one of thousands.. That doesn't make you unique.
Girls like me come a dime a dozen? Yeah right.. The only thing I have in common with other girls is that I know how to upgrade.. And.. that I cheated on you.. Other than that.. you'll never find another girl like me. Someone whose smart. Who cares. Who knows everything about you.. But whatever.. you don't care about that anyways.. All the girls you come across are sluts.. but if that's your type then go ahead.. You're a nobody too. And when nobodies are with other nobodies it makes total and complete sense. I'm going to school. To be a medical assistant.. Not quite a nurse but I'll still be making more money than you any day.. Not only am I doing that, but I'm starting a clothing line. Something I'm sure will hit it off. And hey.. if that doesn't work oh well.. At least I'll meet new people. So instead of being in the same group of friends.. who all backstab eachother.. talk shit about eachother.. and all aren't really going anywhere.. I will know people who are going somewhere. Who have dreams. And who know exactly how to fulfill them. Something you know totally nothing about.. Oh you think you'll be making more money than anyone I know? That's really funny. Now just how are you going to do that? Keep dreaming, honey.. You can say I fucked it up all you want. But what did I do wrong here? I cheated on you. Get over it! You were a horrible boyfriend. You deserved it. And I did that 3 months ago! I think it's time to grow up. But hey.. maybe when you grow a pair and decide not to be a total and complete asshole then maybe.. give me a call. But don't expect me to take you back like that. And don't expect that I won't have someone else already by then.. Grow up. Cause at this rate.. you'll just be a no one with an std..
-Me

7:28pm: What I Really Meant To Say Is... I Don't Want To Lose You
It's terrible the things I do to myself. I'm basically a hazard to myself. I break my own heart. I hurt the people I love. I act too reckless. Alittle too careless.. I hurt myself.. my heart.. my mind.. my body.. And sometimes, I do it for nothing really. Sometimes unknowingly.
I love him. So why do I do everything to push him away? He says I love you and I can't even bring myself to say it sometimes.. Not because I don't love him. Cause I do.. with every bit of my being.. But I don't know what it is.. I really don't want to lose him but I can't help that I get so psychotic sometimes. And I'm thankful that he forgives me for it. I just really want him. And I can feel it so close. Like it's almost in my reach. But everytime when something dumb happens or I get jealous it feels like everything is a mile away. And I hate that. That's why I try to hold on tight.. I just get so afraid sometimes.. That everything he says is just another line. That he just wants me to fuck.. That there's someone else...even though he says there isn't.. I don't know.. If he wanted me just to fuck then he could have just said that.. and not associate love and how he needs me in his life with it. The first time we hung out.. the day he came back from Virginia.. that's all I really wanted from him.. just a fuck.. When he started talking mush.. I just went with it.. I guess.. So.. it's not like it'd hurt me.. well that was then.. And this is now.. it would hurt if he said he just wanted to fuck. Cause sometimes I feel myself falling again.. Every time I see a glimpse of the man I once knew.. it all comes back to me. The reasons why I love him.. Why I care so much. Why I can't let go.. Cause I know there's a great guy inside there. It just takes alot to let that great guy out.. I wish I trusted myself with him. There's just so many things in my life that push and pull me. And I scare myself knowing the things that I'm capable of. Cause hurting him is like hurting myself.. And.. I can't do that anymore..
......I wish I had my cell phone......
-Me

6:48pm: No, I Don't Have To Be In Love
I'm single. I'm not tied down to anyone basically. I don't need to love who I fuck. I don't even need to care about them.. He does this everytime.. Everytime when I need to talk to him he doesn't pick up.. If I needed to tell him I was pregnant, he wouldn't even pick up the phone to find out.. And that sucks.. I wish I had my cell phone. That way I can talk to someone.. I really need an ego boost. Especially after Marty ignored me like that.. like a dumbass he is.. Sureee.. you've changed. But hey.. maybe I haven't changed at all.. You'll never know for sure. You don't know if I still have plans to fuck Danny.. Which at this point, I could... if I wanted to.. Be glad I'm not shallow enough to do that to you. I just don't know anymore.. it's times like this that I regret letting you back in...
I love myspace.. totally boosted up my ego.. And.. I love myspace cause I get to talk to all my long lost frenzies..
Anyhoo I'm talking to Brady again..just as friends though.. Brady and I together was never a good idea lol. But I'm happy we talk again.. I really really missed him. Super funny guy..
-Me

3:43pm: Just A Dream
I was cleaning Saturday.. I had nothing better to do really. With my cell phone being totally gonezo.. So.. I was in the kitchen.. and I heard my mom and Anne talk.. Anne was telling her about how they might send Marty away.. And what made my heart really tune out is when my mom said they should.. How could she hate someone she doesn't even know? She doesn't know him. She doesn't know what really happened. She doesn't even know the real reason we broke up. So who is she to talk? I wish he could show her what a really great guy he is.. That he is still the man that we knew in the beginning.. Cause I see him still there.. I just wish they could too.
You know, I don't have it in myself to watch the video Just a dream by Carrie Underwood.. I can listen and sing the song, but never the video. I couldn't watch the whole thing when Anne showed me and told me it made her think of Marty and I. It just gets me thinking.. I just don't know what I'd do if I were ever put in that position. To lose him like that.. To lose the only person I love. I don't think I'd be able to handle it. I used to talk about how I wish they'd just send him away.. How sometimes I would think that we'd all be better off if he were gone.. But that's not true.. I'd fall apart if I caught wind that he was gone.. I fall apart even at the thought of it.. And you know what else gets me, I don't think all his friends or the other girls he ditches me for would care all that much if they did send him away again.. The last time he was gone is a pretty good example of what I mean.. I think the only people that would care the most would be me and his parents.. I know I'd find it pretty hard to adjust to life without him in any which way.. I couldn't even adjust to the THOUGHT.. People would just go ahead and live their lives.. Selfishly as always.. They'll go out and have fun. Party and do what they always have done.. That's just who they are.. And I don't know why Marty associates with people like that.. He may not see it the way I do but.. to them.. Marty is someone fun to hang out with.. a ride.. someone old enough to buy the booze.. Replaceable if left.. To me.. he's my world. He's someone who actually makes me feel safe. Someone who can easily calm me down. Someone I have fun with even without the sex, booze, and drugs. Unreplaceable whether I want to believe it or not. People just don't know how amazing this man is...
I wish I could trust him though.. I can't help but have the lingering paranoia. It's not as bad as before. But I do question what he's really doing and where he's doing it.. Last night, he told me he was driving around cause he couldn't sleep.. And I couldn't help but think that was a bunch of bull. Hence why I said "Are you really driving cause you can't sleep or are you barely just heading on your way back from San Bernardino and lying to me?" I don't see why he feels the need to lie sometimes though.. I honestly don't care what time he goes back to Camp Pendleton. And.. I just made a suggestion of him coming to see me.. It's not like it was mandatory and the only way to wiggle out of it was to say that he's gone already..
He said all this will be worth it.. I wish I believed that already.. Cause I'm ruining alot of things without even knowing the outcome. And that can't be smart...
-Me